Would you care to join me as I struggle through this article and debunk the "truth" contained in this mom's "truth" about staying home with our children? The struggle, believe me, is not in the "debunking"....that much is obvious. The struggle lies in stomaching the fact that mothers of our society continue to actually believe this stuff and throw these beliefs onto the children...the next generation.
Now for the sake of not alienating all you wonderful moms who are not homeschooling, please just bear with me here! We are strong advocates of the homeschool movement ...even more the unschooling movement...and are trying desperately to support those families who are taking on these endeavors. As mainstream as the homeschool has become, it's still an up-hill climb with large challenges to face on a regular basis. I also realize that many today find themselves in situations where they have to work or put their children in schools. However, that's not the issue brought up in this following article.
The main issue is in the basic mind set...it's facing certain assumptions that under-gird and uphold the mandatory, institutionalized learning and schooling perpetuated in our society....which also effects our basic attitudes toward mothering, small children, and the family in general. That's why I'm taking on this article in particular. This has been emblazoned with "truth" as it's banner and that's where I'd really like to draw the line, so here we go...
The truth about staying home
Posted: March 06, 2009
1:00 am Eastern
By Suzanne Venker
© 2009
Today is one of the rare days I find myself alone. With my work-from-home husband out of the house and two children in school, silence surrounds me.
It's a beautiful sound.
I say beautiful because for the past nine years I have been home with my children full-time – with no nanny or grandma in the background. And unlike most parents today, I didn't send my children to preschool until they were – yikes! – 3 ½. This year, however, my son started kindergarten – which means for a portion of every day I am alone. Utterly, completely and wonderfully alone.
Rom Mom: This is good...very good. She has raised her children to age 3 or 4. But I don't understand the "Yikes!" part...is it that she raised her child at home until the ripe old age of 3 or 4...?? And she pats herself strenuously on the back for this amazing feat? If so, wow! I'm impressed that you had children, dear mother, that you actually mothered for 3 to 4 years! Good for you!
While the idea of sending my son to full-day kindergarten was enticing, I did not choose this option. Not only do kindergartners get tired and cranky (a fact that seems lost on my generation), come September my son will be gone from 8 until 3 every day and I will lose some measure of control over his life. Besides, I happen to like my son and want to be with him as much as possible. Call me crazy.
Rom Mom: Excuse me while I try to sort through the double-think here. She's enthusiastically looking forward to having her son away from her for 7 hours/day....but she wants to be around him as much as possible. Call her crazy. OK....
Still, I'm not despondent about entering this next phase of motherhood. I'm positively giddy about the future, the days that have yet to unfold when my children go their way and I go mine – and we come together at the end of the day to build a life together.
Lie #1....BIG Lie #1: The Roman Rule of "Divide and Conquer" which entails farming segments of our society - usually based on age - out separately starting now from infants up to the aged...is NOT working in our society. In other words, it has been far from beneficial. It sets up a sense of abandonment, competitiveness, and friction that translates into marriages, between parents and children, between siblings, between age groups...and ultimately between the generations. This system of ideology has statistically wreaked havoc on the marriage, on the family unit, on our nation and our society with some of the most prolific problems and dysfunction that we've ever experienced in the history of our country.
Lie #2: Coming together at the end of the day is not "building a life together"...please....however glorious that rhetoric may sound on the surface. It ranks right in there with the Big Myth of "Quality Time vs. Quantity Time"...all we have is time. That's it. There is no distinction. Time with strangers and 'experts' is not the same as time with parents and family. And to say that farming our children out to their peers and the 'experts' is "building a life together" with your children is a huge myth. It's bunk....it's certainly not based in reality. If this weren't the case, then why do we assume that all teenagers will rebel against their parents once they hit that age of "independence" and want to go their own way...do their own thing? The opinion of their peers is what matters...not the opinion of their parents. This is not building a life together....far from it.
There's a distinct feeling of pleasure mothers get in greeting their children at 3 p.m. – after they've have had a chance to take a shower, run an errand and eat lunch alone or (thank God!) with another adult. You can see it in the faces of mothers at school: those carting babies and toddlers around look downright frazzled, while the more seasoned mothers – whose arms are notably empty – look ebullient.
Lie #3: Oh I just love this one! I've contended with this assumption on numerous occasions. First of all, I absolutely don't see this. The stay-at-home and homeschool moms that I see are usually smiling, energetic, and most times having a great time with their kiddos. They enjoy their children....that's why they had them in the first place...to enjoy them! Sure, we all have some off days, but to be universally unequivocally relegated into this category of behavior is...well...another bunch of hooey. In addition to that, there's a whole other issue that's not so easily glossed over. What about the working moms who come home exhausted and still have the multitudinous needs of the home and family to tend to before crashing into bed...??? Do they always look ebullient?? With so many moms desperately seeking ways to be at home with their children, I don't see her depiction above as entirely accurate at all.
I think a lot about the mothers carting babies and toddlers around. I see them everywhere: Target, the grocery store, the gym, the parks, everywhere. When I walk past them I feel an immediate stab of guilt. After all, I know what their lives are like – and it looks nothing like my new life.
Lie #4: Once again, this is her assumption. This is not the reality. It may be her reality and her low-grade opinion of motherhood...but it's totally her opinion of what she sees out there. It's her subjective analysis...not "truth."
I know they're happy to be home and have momentary pleasures that defy description but at the same time are emotionally drained. I know this because now that I've passed their stage of motherhood, I see clearly how bad things were for a very long time.
Lie #5: Momentary pleasures?? In her prior delusive state she somehow managed to think that she was actually enjoying herself with her little ones...but now that she's gotten rid of her children for a few hours...she sees that she was actually deluding herself. Mothering babies and toddlers is really a very traumatic experience...don't let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise!
Today I sleep; then I didn't. Today I have silence; then I didn't. Today I can shop alone; then I couldn't. Today I eat what I want for lunch; then I ate what my kids were eating. Today I can finish a conversation on the telephone; then I couldn't. Today I can hear what newscasters are saying on the television; then I couldn't. Today when we travel or eat out as a family, it's a pleasure; then it wasn't. Today I like sex; then I didn't. Indeed, the difference between the first stage of motherhood and being a mother of school-age children cannot be overestimated.
Today I'm selfish, then I had to think about someone else. Today I'm totally self-absorbed, then I had to tend to someone else's needs. Today I have several hours to completely indulge my own desires at the expense of my children, then I didn't. Today all I have to do is assuage my guilt, then I at least knew I was doing the right thing....even if I resented it.
Which is why it's wrong to expect mothers to be silent about what it's like to stay home full-time. Women should be able to admit that the early years – that period of time between birth and kindergarten when our kids are tethered to us 24/7 – is terribly difficult. But most don't feel comfortable sharing this fact, so the physical and emotional demands of the job become shrouded behind a mask of smiles.
Lie #6: Anyone who pretends that they actually enjoy being at home with their babies and toddlers....having little ones "tethered to them 24/7"...are doing just that...pretending. Moms are valiantly pasting on the smiles...but just like the "Desperate Housewives" that they truly are....we know that it's nothing but a big front.
Indeed, Americans have lost their sense of humor when it comes to motherhood. In the good ol' days, women were allowed to complain about children without fear of censure. I have a set of coasters that depict mothers from previous generations in various states of distress. At the bottom of each coaster is a saying. My favorite one reads, "Mother of five. Grandmother of ten. Drunk by seven." And remember "The Cosby Show"? Some of the funniest episodes were when Bill Cosby's character counted the days until his children left for college and he and his wife could be alone again.
Yes, children and baby bashing has become a national past time...we get it thrown at us on a regular basis...
Having just survived the early years with my sanity still intact (for the most part), I believe it's disingenuous to pretend early motherhood is something it isn't. Staying home with one's children is the most important and satisfying task a person can take on, and the rewards are well worth our efforts. I can hardly catch my breath when I look at my two children today and realize that every moment of pain and sacrifice has been worth its weight in gold. Still, the early years at home do rock your world – and this includes your marriage, your identity and even your sanity.
Lie #7: Ummm....compared to what...??? Can we name a few other things that might also rock our world...??? Do our world's stay in perfect pristine order at all times..?? Is that the assumption that we're supposed to live by....that our world is never to be rocked in any form or fashion? Her delightful double-talk comes out again. The assumption or "truth" here is that having a baby has an intrinsic adverse effect on your marriage, identity, and sanity....but it's the most important satisfying task a person can take on...the rewards are well worth our efforts. Interesting. SO which is it...?? Could it also be possible that having a baby (or babies) could have a very positive effect on your marriage, your identity, and even your sanity?
This is true in any generation; but it is worse for today's mothers, who are raising their children in a vacuum. Our transient society, in which family members no longer live near one another, causes mothers to feel depleted at the end of the day. In addition, our increasingly desolate neighborhoods make mothers feel isolated; and our culture of intensive parenting negatively affects their stress level and emotional well-being. Today's mothers may have modern conveniences to help ease their burden, but they have far more emotional burdens than mothers in previous generations.
It's no wonder so many mothers go back to work.
Lies #8 through 912,345,787: Is this woman ever going to stop...??? I'll let you just wade through these last couple of statements on your own. Hey, I'm all for honesty. Yes, the isolation and problems she mentions are real enough...I've felt them, too. But her answer is to ...go back to work? What is the root of all this isolation and stress? And what is her definition of "intensive parenting" exactly..?? OK, we'll just conveniently ignore the mounting statistics and evidence today of women refusing the work force in overwhelming numbers, the support, blogs, and networks for moms and homeschoolers, as well as women singing the praises and joys of full-time stay-at-home, constant-care motherhood. I'm one of them. But don't take my word for it! I must somehow be deluding myself...I'm actually very miserable...I'm just a terrible actress! And by the way, we hope our children never leave!
Find the above article here.
Are There Alternatives?
As radical as some of this may sound, please understand that there are many families out there who are diligently trying to find their way clear of this old paradigm model that has been in place in our society for way too long now. They see the writing on the wall and want to opt out of this institutionalized, careerized, corporatized mode of dealing with individuals, children, marriages, and families. They're focusing on building relationships and lives together from the ground up without the intervention of bureaucrats, the state, and 'experts' to churn them into a cog in the mighty over-bloated soul-less societal machine.
They're not into investing their time and assets into stock market portfolios, pension plans, fancy vacations, material accumulation, and second-childhood retirements. They're into investing in the next generation to build a multi-generational tight-knit family legacy as opposed to fleeing from it or handing it over to the state and its institutions. That's the difference. And that difference is significant. It's a paradigm shift...it's a mind-set shift...it's a worldview, family-view, society-view shift...and it's a 180 degree turn away from - and rejection of - this old worn-out model that enslaves the masses (including our children) for the benefit of the few...and to the total detriment of the family and those precious relationships. Encouragement is what these families need...not more "truth" wrapped with bows of social propaganda.
For more on this topic:
The Romantic Life, The Romantic Mom by Debbie Gallagher
The Power of Mother Love by Brenda Hunter
The "Me Time" Myth by Amy Roberts
The Way Home, All The Way Home and School-Proof by Mary Pride
Additional Note:
In all fairness, I've never heard of Suzanne Venker before, the author of the above article, so I checked out her websites...she has 2...and she actually refers to herself as a proponent and supporter of stay-at-home, homekeeping moms. Her other site is called No Bull Mom. She has some interesting things to say and appears to have some encouraging articles and blogs. She's quite popular with the mainstream Conservative, Republican set...and gets into alot of Dem vs. Rep jargon....so perhaps she's just not taking her support and ideas in a far-reaching enough direction...at least to suit where we're at with our family. She was a former school teacher, so that explains some of her take in the above article she wrote. I find little that I could honestly fall into total agreement with her, but it's interesting how and where she's positioned herself. Laura Schlessinger seems to really like her...and she's also Phyllis Schlafly's neice. Interesting, nonetheless.